First, a little recent background. Lately I've been very, very complacent, and had started making decisions about jobs and the future just based on what made sense in my head, (although looking back at it even a few days later I'm wondering what on earth I was thinking!), and over the weekend it dawned on me that I had been doing all this without really seeking God's will or even praying about these things.

I shared all this with a friend on Monday, and talking about it out loud helped me to realize that perhaps these job decisions needed more consideration and prayer, and that I needed to slow down and not try to do it all on my own.

I was still kind of in limbo mode up through today, and then I got this crazy phone call. My friend and mentor Michele called. For anyone who doesn't know, I did an internship in communications at RiverTree Christian Church in summer '05, and Michele was my boss there. Michele and I had talked a few months ago, both kind of wondering how I might fit in to RiverTree in the future, but we both just left it up to God's leading, (and I evidentally started doing things my own way and ignored if God was leading me there). So she says that I've really been in her thoughts since we had that meeting several months ago, and they've suddenly found themselves in a position where they really, really need help. And she wants to know if I have ANY time available to meet with them tomorrow!!

So, I say all that to say that I have an interview Thursday (today, given how late I'm writing this) at 12:30 to do something with the Communications department at RiverTree Christian Church!!

I'm quite a bit shell-shocked at this point. I've really felt God leading towards some drastic changes in regards to life and ministry, and I'm not sure if this is a step towards that, or a complete detour that I shouldn't be doing. With the exceptions of newfound passions for inner-city ministry, this is (would have been?) kind of a dream job for me. A year and a half ago, I walked into the doors of RiverTree not wanting to be there, and really bitter about megachurches as a whole. God definitely used my time there to teach me so many things, about ministry, church styles, leadership, families, you name it. I was thinking about that tonight, and was wondering just what God would teach me this time around. I'm excited, but at the same time, regardless of the outcome, God's used this as a way to whack me over the head and remind me that I need to seek out His will on all things, not just when I want too.

It's funny, because earlier today I was perfectly content to stay involved in a situation that I'm not happy with, and don't really want to continue being involved with, and in a second job that is fine, but doesn't exactly feel like my calling, and now, I'm questioning/seeking God on what looks like a wonderful opportunity. How I got so separated from seeking God's will, I'm really not sure, but I would really appreciate your prayers that I continue to seek God in all of this, and that if this is not the opportunity that I am to pursue that I won't fall back into being complacent and settling!

Funny how just a few months changes things so drastically.

I just went back and re-read the first entry of this blog. As I wrote that, I had no idea that untangling myself from First Christian would prove....impossible. While I don't worship there on the weekends (and on the two times I have been there since that entry was written, my decision was only further reinforced), for the past 5 months I've been employed there.

Yes, I know. I did just say that. In the words of one of my closest friends, one who more than understands the whole thing, "Wait, you're working at THAT church?!"

Things there seem to finally be coming to a fork in the road, and I feel that in all He is teaching me, God is leading me the way that my heart has longed for since before I ever started the job. I may not know what job, or even what kind of job I will be working in next, but I'm really learning a sense of the things that I can no longer compromise on. I'm going to compiling a list as I pray, study, and think, and hopefully I can publish that on here soon.

This past week has been so refreshing as I once again getting a glimpse of the big picture, catching more of the vision...which had been sorely missing for the past few months. Things seem (emphasis on "seem")to keep staying the same in regards to the little pieces of the big picture, but I can see how big picture (or as someone defined it last night (Jen?), my worldview) is setting the stage for the smaller components, like job, location, relationships, money, etc.

To bed I go for now, but I actually started writing this blog to talk about the house church, but that hasn't happened yet!

Funny how just a few months changes things so drastically.

I just went back and re-read the first entry of this blog. As I wrote that, I had no idea that untangling myself from First Christian would prove....impossible. While I don't worship there on the weekends (and on the two times I have been there since that entry was written, my decision was only further reinforced), for the past 5 months I've been employed there.

Yes, I know. I did just say that. In the words of one of my closest friends, one who more than understands the whole thing, "Wait, you're working at THAT church?!"

Things there seem to finally be coming to a fork in the road, and I feel that in all He is teaching me, God is leading me the way that my heart has longed for since before I ever started the job. I may not know what job, or even what kind of job I will be working in next, but I'm really learning a sense of the things that I can no longer compromise on. I'm going to compiling a list as I pray, study, and think, and hopefully I can publish that on here soon.

This past week has been so refreshing as I once again getting a glimpse of the big picture, catching more of the vision...which had been sorely missing for the past few months. Things seem (emphasis on "seem")to keep staying the same in regards to the little pieces of the big picture, but I can see how big picture (or as someone defined it last night (Jen?), my worldview) is setting the stage for the smaller components, like job, location, relationships, money, etc.

To bed I go for now, but I actually started writing this blog to talk about the house church, but that hasn't happened yet!

I have such a crazy attitude, temper, lack of patience. But I also have a lack of confrontational skills, and of backing down too easy at times...sigh.

Mold me and use me Lord, correct these things that are going so very much out of control. I love You. Amen.

What is with men who don't fight fair?!

Love...

Romantic love has been on my mind a lot lately.

Watching several friends teetering on the brink of new relationships makes me smile, makes me so happy for them! And reading a wonderful, yet heartbreaking book of love that pursue whole-heartedly, and redeems completely, makes me whistful.

I can't help but wonder when my turn will come? Will it be soon? Is there some sort of checklist I need to accomplish first? Most days, I am completely fine, happy with being single for now, so grateful to have the chance to accomplish things that I couldn't have done in a serious relationship, and having been given the chance to learn so much more about where God is leading me, changing and molding my beliefs on a plethora of things, and simply build many new and stronger relationships.

Along the way I can see how He is gradually teaching me new things, new skills, new responsibilities, new ideas, new freedoms. As hard as it was to get to that point, I see that to have a relationship before these foundational stones are laid in place would be dangerous, too soon. I've been told that I guard my heart too much (the commenter later realized that the guarding of hearts is a good thing), but I also seek to guard the heart of the man that the Father wants me to be in a relationship with. I so desire for these hopes, dreams, desires, to be on God's perfect timetable. Not a day too soon, not a touch too early. While I welcomed the recent stirrings of my heart after a while of quietness, and I sometimes fight back when God gently reminds my day-dreaming heart that it is not my dreams I am longing for, I know that my heart does not have a clue what it is doing aside from God's direction and protection!

And what freedom is given in the realization that no matter how far my heart (or anyone's) might stray, He will always come be there, with arms wide open, running after His lost lamb. While i would much rather stay by His side, I know that He will provide and guide even if our hearts lead us astray, and above all, wherever He leads.

Abba, guide and direct, and tame these dreams and desires if they aren't a part of your plan! AMEN!

Don't just turn back to your TV. Don't act like it's just a nice song. How can you? How can you really just turn away?!

I just played a couple of Casting Crowns songs for my mom. She's a musician, so songs really get to her, and she's a visual learner, so I showed her the lyrics too.

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today,
feelin so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away,
like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it,
maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin,
I play the part again
So everyone will see me
the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Does Anybody Hear Her?

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening in the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older and she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her
Can anybody see
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her
Can anybody see

She is yearning
For shelter and affection that she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming and he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason and she gives herself away
If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we never even met her

And then I tried to talk about it for a few minutes, I said that there were times I thought maybe I was too critical of church, of how we as Christians act...but then I hear songs like this and my heart is broken all over again that to be truly like Christ is not what many of us are doing!!!!!!!!!!!

After I said that first part, she asked me if I was going to listen to music with headphones now. *shakes head* She listened...my dad wouldn't have stayed long enough to hear part of one song. When we are leading churches like this, is it any wonder we have a culture of Christians who can barely even find time to get to church, let alone follow Christ with their whole lives.

I don't know how I can continue walking into the big box church...working there....my heart is everywhere but there. And if it's there, it's running up on the stage in the middle of the service, grabbing that $500 microphone off the preachers face, and screaming into it that this isn't life at all, this isn't love, this isn't Christ!!!

Today marked the end of an era.

For 16 years, I have attended First Christian Church in Canton, Ohio. Today was the last time I will be a regular attender of their weekend services.

This isn't a rash decision, or one that has come lightly. It's been building for months, years even. I feel like I could write for so long on the reasons that have lead to this decision, but tonight I need to simply summarize and go read throught the Sermon on the Mount.

Simply put, God has been working so much in my heart lately, about what convictions I need to have, which ones I need to stand especially firm on, and how I cannot compromise on those beliefs. One of the key issues God is shaping my heart on is our use of money. While I am struggling to implement these changes in my own life, it's starting to sink in. In regards to the bigger picture, however, I can no longer in good conscience be a part of a group that is building an $18 million building, when there are children in Africa, and down the street in our own city starving.

In case anyone is wondering, while I am leaving one church, I am not leaving the Church. I am going to be becoming more a part of RiverTree Christian Church in Massillon, Ohio, where my heart has been drawn for the past year. In addition, I am still a part of the college-age ministry at First Christian called Tuesdays. I know it sounds hypocritical, but Tuesdays is a completely different animal than the rest of the church. In fact it is at Tuesdays that God has been working on my heart about these issues, and I went for the first time with the group to a homeless shelter/soup kitchen on Saturday, and am eager to go back. And, oddly, I actually have been at First Christian quite a bit in recent weeks, because with both of my parents working there, and me jobless for the moment, I hang out there in the afternoons, and try to make myself useful. I hope I'm able to a blessing to the really stressed office gang.

So this new blog. It's been something that I've been wanting to start for quite some time, and I decided today was the day to do it. I know that several of you will be(literally?) cheering at what you just read, while others may not understand. And that's ok. This blog is a place for me to share my thoughts on God, Jesus, Church, churches, religion, and relationships, and I hope I can be a blessings, even if it comes in the form of a thorn or a challenge.

Shalom.

P.S. I've been blogging for several years at xanga, but seem to suffering quite a bit of writer's block there. But I do have ocassional in depth entries there, at www.xanga.com/knightowl121